is this good or what?

I’ve been wrestling with my thoughts about what happened yesterday at work.

I was in a meeting with my supervisor to receive feedback regarding the report I submitted (from where several other papers are bound to be developed). We discussed for more than an hour and he wanted me to have 3 satellite papers based on the initial report I submitted. He tried to be generous with positive feedback about how well written the report was and had his own comments that I needed to address to improve the paper. Everything was okay. I was able to take in everything and I asked for a reasonable deadline of 3 months for the 2 papers. He wanted it sooner.

In my head, I started to feel like telling him that I am no research paper factory. That I am here, bearing the sadness of being away from home, to work under reasonable deadlines and produce results. I know I am someone who can deliver; I’ve known that from the short work experience I’ve had of five years. I would like to believe that my former supervisors could tell that I am capable of doing good work. Although I got myself into this knowing that there is not much of a career path in the academe for me, I have always believed in experience as the best teacher. Every pebble I pick up in this journey shall find its use in the future. I know it can lead me to better opportunities eventually.

The straw that broke the came’s back was this. After the bombardment of having me accomplish two review papers which he intends to publish in two different journals [he sugarcoats this with promises of using these publications to boost my chances of getting an outright entry into one of their PhD programs—something I’d rather see happening before I can believe], he takes an A4 envelope and asks me to do him a favor.

He takes out one survey form from the envelope and tells me to help him input the answers to a data management program.

No problem, I thought, I can do that, I didn’t mind doing extra work for as long as I feel that I am not taken advantage of. (except for the monotony and the eyestrain from doing repetitive clerical duties). I’ve had my share of issues dealing with the “abuse” from too much work and the other “players” of a particular work environment. There was I time, I took everything in, and I ended up a huge basket case. I did not want that to happen again.

Then he takes 18 more envelopes from his back. I counted them today, 300 survey forms!!!! And he calls it a favor. I am forever searching for motivation, and he gives me this load of call-it-how-you-want. What I do not like is how he penny-pinches, not getting extra manpower to do other things that he needs done, and simply dumping work to his able staff (we are 3 research assistant under him). I was hired for a particular project and here I am encoding for another. Then he doesn’t stop there. He asks me what analysis I can do on the data afterwards. Your supervisor believing in your capabilities and hoping you would develop more skills is one thing, using you for his own benefit is an entirely different thing. What he did yesterday was totally screaming of the latter.

I have always wanted a supervisor who could be mentor material. It has always eluded me for one reason or another (a couple of times, I did not stay long in the job, but I’ve had good ones). It is simply frustrating, being under the reigns of people who do not understand what they want, and asks for things he does not even understand.

To cut the story short, I agreed to do the coding and encoding, and try my best to give him at least a descriptive analysis (he wanted to do factor analysis, and I am not familiar with it although I can study and learn the theory and techniques). I told him I could not carry all the stuff because of my bad back. I asked him if he could have somebody deliver it to the RA’s room to the building across his office. As he is short of man power, for more reasons than his stingy ways would allow, bigger ones which I will no longer mention as it would only devalue my point—he carried all the stuff himself.

When we got to our office, he was telling me again to do the factor analysis, then, to the surprise of my friend who was sitting on the adjacent cubicle, she heard me say, in an obviously upset tone, “I can only do descriptive analysis!” , I was not even aware that my tone was different. I felt that I just had enough of him for the past two hours and it showed. He calls my friend to his office and asks her under confidentiality what made me upset. He told her he was worried.

Then I got more upset about being upset, because I was never like this. I can put up with things, but my previous experience of being overworked told me, I had to set limits. I had to assert without actually saying that there is a monetary price for everything I do, that I do not want anyone to take advantage of me. I just don’t want anybody to do that to me, because I know I am fair in my dealings with people. But I know that in reality, we cannot expect others to be fair just because we are fair. That is one dreadful bite of reality.

I hope I am still okay. I hope that I did not become less of who I am because of what I did (the whole thing about showing my dismay and disappointment without me being aware it actually showed), I was able to express something I am not used to letting out—was it annoyance, exasperation and frustration? My greatest fear about what happened is having done something offensive, kung naging rude ba ako o bastos for having done these things. My friend tells me, it only shows that I am human and that it is okay to have unpleasant reactions. Normal lang daw ako nun mga panahon na iyon.

I only wish I can take out the bad feeling sooner. I just had to let it out through writing.


I think now, I can work again.

on friendship...

image from: http://allthingschill.com/img/calvin_et_hobbes_2.jpg

"Always set high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you."-- Dr. Samuel Johnson

Earth Hour 2030hours March 28, 2009

copied from the earth hour website...

VOTE EARTH

YOUR LIGHT SWITCH IS YOUR VOTE

This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming.

For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009.

This meeting will determine official government policies to take action against global warming, which will replace the Kyoto Protocol. It is the chance for the people of the world to make their voice heard.

Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.

In 2009, Earth Hour is being taken to the next level, with the goal of 1 billion people switching off their lights as part of a global vote. Unlike any election in history, it is not about what country you’re from, but instead, what planet you’re from. VOTE EARTH is a global call to action for every individual, every business, and every community. A call to stand up and take control over the future of our planet. Over 74 countries and territories have pledged their support to VOTE EARTH during Earth Hour 2009, and this number is growing everyday.

We all have a vote, and every single vote counts. Together we can take control of the future of our planet, for future generations.

VOTE EARTH by simply switching off your lights for one hour, and join the world for Earth Hour.

Saturday, March 28, 8:30-9:30pm.

happyhappierhappiest

0520 hours. Day 2 of a fresh year 2009. i found it a little ironic reading an article about the world's official timekeepers (mayroon pala noon hehe) adding an extra second to last year, to "compensate for the earth's slowing rotation". the earth is apparently taking it slow these days, and yet we feel as though we are constantly in a warp zone where time runs really fast.

did you really feel those 12 months go by? maybe a little. i'm sure we have different stories to tell. the past year could have been good for some, great for others. and there are those who'd rather move on (good for them) and forget about the not-so-good things about the year that was.

there must be happy memories, dreams fulfilled, plans made, goals achieved, new friends made. there are also the sad experiences of loved ones leaving, broken promises, trying times, difficult times. after all that we have gone through, we still find reasons to simply remain grateful for the life that we are able share with the people who matter to us.

the highlight of my 2008? i was able to cut down my coffee consumption to one cup a day. and i am proud to say that i was able to do so, with much self-control (although i have to admit i take red-bull, tea or cola as substitute) :-p. the self-imposed coffee-embargo speaks of something bigger for me, the forever search-for-meaning dweeb that i am. it was a reminder that for as long as i put my heart into what i want done, or what i want accomplished, things really happen. we make things happen.

with overflowing gratitude, we welcome another year with hope for better times. fears and worries inevitably sneak in, but let us try to push them away and not allow them to build nests in our lives. there is so much uncertainty in life. uncertainty can be scary too but it is something we have to deal with all our lives, and i think it's important to be able to have something we can always hold on to, whatever it is that keeps us grounded, in order to keep ourselves from drifting too far away from what we intend ourselves to be.

this year, let us keep an open mind. let us love more and do something for others. learn to love yourself too, for it only when you have learned to love yourself that you can be capable of sharing this love with others.

forgive. it leaves room for more positive things to unfold. listen more, complain less, be thankful. dare to try new experiences, new things which can be good for you. be realistic. aim high but keep it real. stay fit and try building healthier habits.

hmmm, staying up this late is not healthy at all. i better hit the sack... i wish everyone the best this year!

pineapple tidbits

The laptop calendar reads 12/29/2008. Almost everybody is on a holiday.

Not me.

After Christmas, our next holiday is on Thursday, the first day of year 2009. I still have to work until the noon of December 31. I’ll be on leave the day after New Year’s. Thing is, instead of working on the introduction of my 30 page report due sometime in February, I gave in to scratching the itch of rambling again. (multitasking with reading references, checking mails, chatting with friends :-p [don’t tell on me ok?] hehe)

The problem with writing for a living is that you can never work on an 8-5 basis. The long weekends are not helping either. I hate to sound like the adults who are too occupied with “matters of consequences” and not simply content themselves to enjoying the holidays. (parang istorbo pa ang holidays para sa mga workaholic, at hindi ako isa sa kanila hehe). The problem with long weekends, not that I do not like long weekends, is the break in momentum. When you write on a deadline, momentum is crucial. Once you get it, you must find a good way to sustain it. I stopped forcing myself to write from the time I started working—from the very beginning, I know that I can only write at my own pace. The important thing is to make it to the deadline, deliver a good quality output on time, if not ahead of sched (naks!).

I hope I can arrange something with my supervisor to let me start work as late as after lunch. He earlier said he wasn’t particular about how I make use of time anyway. I think it will really help my productivity.

*

Let me call this my tidbits entry. I will talk about the random things which clutter my thoughts. Christmas day passed and my friends and I were able to deal with spending Christmas away from our dear families. We managed getting hold of whatever Christmas spirit we could grasp. Cheer us on! We have more days (some have fewer) to count before going home.

**

One thing I noticed this Christmas is how few people sent me their SMS greetings. I called my family of course and greeted them on Christmas eve. I had a long talk with Mama and ate, my lola and cousins. I also called Papa who is also spending Christmas away from everyone at home. I emailed some friends from overseas and greeted others via IM.

Before, people bombarded each other’s phones with forwarded Christmas greetings. I do not know if the significant decline in SMS greetings is due to:

a) economic crisis – people finally realized that a peso saved is a peso earned. Huh? Hehe
b) somehow related to (a) – maybe because I am here. (piso lang rin naman mag text sa globe number ko ah :-p hindi naman ako halatang naghihintay pa rin makatanggap ng SMS mula sa inyo hehehe, makinig naman yun mga kaibigan ko diyan)
c) the friends I know may be too busy – most of them are in med school, hurdling their internships, or preparing for the boards (whoa, matatanda na kami); others have started their own families.
d) May be people just stopped greeting – which is sad.

Whatever the reason for this simple observation, siyempre, we should not miss out on what really matters. Pasko yan eh, it’s not really about YOU. It’s about touching other people’s lives in the most selfless way you can. It is one way we can make Jesus happy, pa-birthday na rin sa Bida diba.

Merry Christmas ulit sa lahat!

At siyempre, happy eating hehe!

postmortem

the night i died, i prayed to the heavens to keep me safe. that whatever happens, i remain grateful for the life given me. i asked the Higher Being to take away all the sad memories and let the happy ones remain. i prayed for my life to end. that the moment i shut my eyes, it would be the last...

the night i died, i felt alone. i felt un-needed, unappreciated, unloved. it was a feeling of emptiness. i felt lost. i felt bad because i know i shouldn't. there is something greater that should be the fountain of "'wanting" to stay alive.

it was the night i learned to let go of everything that held me down, the night to set myself free from whatever pain and hurt which have been frequent visitors in my head. yes, i think it is all in my head. my damn head.

it was a night of realizations. i thought about all the things my short life has taught me. i learned how to appreciate and be thankful for the life given me. and yet there is the nagging feeling of inexplicable emptiness.

i tried to rid myself of all these. i summoned all happy thoughts, but i seemed to have ran out of them. i mustered every drop of courage to be strong and hopeful, to simply embrace life and turn away from the thoughts of imminent death.

i thought about how important it is to let the people you care about know how much you do care for them, before it is too late. let them feel it while they can still be happy about it, don't just say it. (but then there will always be those who couldn't) more importantly, in doing so, i learned the value of never making the mistake of wanting to have anything in return for any tiny speck of love you share with others--because a person who truly loves should be satisfied by the very act of loving. once you think about wanting to be loved in return, or hope for any form of appreciation, acknowledgment or gratitude, you will only hurt yourself. but i guess that is one of the measures of loving, loving even if it hurts.i think it takes alot of strength for anyone to do that without hurting too much.

but then, as i slowly found my way through the web of emotions that have consumed me for the past years, i realized that i could always turn things around. i can always choose to be happy. i can learn to be happy and live with the pain. yes, i can choose to be happy...

just when i thought i had myself convinced to turn things around, it was too late...

i tried to bring myself together and wake up but it was too late...

clinically dead for 16 hours (camerawalls)

I was clinically dead for sixteen hours
Show me all the things my heart desires
Let this be the longest happy dream of my life
Clinically dead for sixteen hours
Crossing all the roads where lines began
Break my hourglass and let the sands move in time
No tunnel, no light
No dead love ones
Maybe I need to teach someone
That we won't realize what we have 'til we lose them...

What happens when you settle for something else…

When you give it time, any craving shall wear off, as most of our cravings are just cravings; we are actually not hungry—we just want to satisfy our palates with a taste of the food we are craving for. Yesterday, I had a lusty craving for instant pancit canton. As in all other cravings, I tried breaching it; I told myself I was having dinner at home in a couple of hours anyway.

Between the craving and me, I like to think I was the one who cracked my craving and not the other way around. While I did not eat pancit canton at the very instance I wanted to eat it, I got 3 cups of one of those just-add-hot-water cup noodles at a nearby convenience store to bring home. (And some junk snacks I devoured while waiting for ate finish work—oh yes from one craving to another, chippy and coke zero cracked me).

This is not a story about my half-success/near-failure at “curbing craving” (try saying that 5 times, fast hehe). Read the title of this entry again. Last night, I had a strong craving for instant pancit canton. I wanted lucky me or Nissin’s yakisoba, but settled for Tekki Yakiudon, as it was the only other brand on the shelf I was familiar with somehow, (I also thought it would be great to try something else).

I half-succeeded curbing that pancit canton craving, if there is even such a thing as half-succeeding, or it’s just something I invented to justify my weakness hehe (I postponed eating it for breakfast today). All excited about eating the noodles for breakfast, I prepared myself to be satisfied, only to be disappointed. Tekki was far from what I expected—I ended up full but was left unsatisfied. It was a bad case of unmet expectations. (Why am I being so dramatic over instant noodles?!)

Lessons learned from the pancit canton chronicles:

- when you settle for something else, you can either be surprised for good reasons from the something else you settled for or be left wanting even more

- when you settle for something else, open your mind (and your palate) that what you chose will never be the same as what you really wanted

- when you settle for something else, try to see (amidst all the brewing disappointment) anything good that came out from your choosing something else (nabusog ka naman kahit lasang spaghetti yun pancit)

How about you, what happens when you settle for something else?

the word eater: a tribute to the one i love

i came across this multiply theme called the word eater. (this one i am now using) interestingly, it shows an ant-eater sucking up the letters from a notebook. it reminded me of two things.

one is an eating-your-own-words episode that reminds me to say things which i only mean (it helps you to swallow the words you say more easily when you get to a juncture). the other one-- which i always suffer from--is chronic thought-constipation (which i now presume to be caused by the word-eater, feeding on my fluid-thoughts, rendering me constipated).

writing has always been something i love. period.

while i have limited writing skills, it is one of the few things, i know i can do better than any average joe.more than giving me the opportunity to make a living out of it, writing has been the only thing, aside from my breathing pillars of strength (you know who you are), who has always made me feel and realize that i am who i am (hehe, that sounded like a dance music from the 80's), right where i am supposed to be.

when i am unable to write, i feel like a little part of me goes dry--and itchy, an itch that needs to be scratched, to borrow from his Airness, michael jordan. so i have to think about anything to write about. looking back, i have already written about the most cliche topics, mostly melodramatic if not 100% over-sentimental. i wrote about scabs, candy wrappers, shirttails, LRT rides, music, movies, books etc. and all of those times, i put down my pen or close a word document, with half-a-smile (the other half could be any other prevailing emotion).

through all the years i have loved writing--from the first time someone was generous with his flattery to a shy-11-year-old-trying-to-find-something-she-can-do-good-at that was me, until now that i am struggling to learn, relearn and unlearn many other things, i can say that i have made a special relationship with writing. and it is only now that i am writing about the one i love, perhaps to show how much i appreciate everything writing has brought my otherwise insignificant existence (there goes the drama queen again).

• sincerity and honesty - nothing beats writing about what IS real and true. being sincere with the things you write, hoping that in being true to yourself, you become true to the people who read what you write is already something to be happy about. of course, leaving room for imaginative writing is another story.
  
• brevity - i maybe the eternal persona of gobbledygook, but i have learned to appreciate the beauty and impact of brevity. though it is not apparent in this entry (hehe), there are thoughts which are better said and more strongly felt with fewer words, sometimes even with silence. *wink
• sharing - writing has strengthened the old teaching that you can only share what you have.
• release - sometimes, when i am consumed by a strong negative emotion (o yes, i admit that negative things sometimes consume me), i pause and write about what i feel to help me handle the emotional vortex i am in. the release, helps me to think more clearly and avoid saying things i might only end up being sorry about. (and actually eat my words)
• touching lives - i don't know about others, but some writers claim that they write only for themselves. in my case, while i write to keep the itch away, i also write hoping that the things i share would lighten up other people's trouble, put a smile across their face...
• memory - writing is a way of keeping memories and sharing them--rekindling the good ones and being brave to re-encounter the bad ones.
  

i just proved that i am gobbledygook-in-the-flesh! this entry is looong, i might be boring the few readers i have hehe. (do i even have readers?)

when you're with someone you love, everything sweetly comes by. (eew, i must really love writing for me to just say that or think that...hehe)

warmth of a morning sunshine

i never realized how the simplest thing like a morning sunshine could make a huge difference.

just when i thought the entire week would be stormy, i woke up tuesday morning with the warm sun touching my face. while i am not used to waking up that late, it felt good. it was as though the warmth of the sun did more than just rousing me from my usual depthless slumber.

it certainly did more.

tuesday morning, literally a day-after-the storm, was not just any ordinary tuesday morning--for the first time in many weeks, i felt i got up on the right side of the bed. while i may have had my own personal storm even before typhoon Frank came leaving livelihoods and homes destroyed and families losing their loved ones, i have learned to appreciate the warmth of the sun on an otherwise uneventful morning at a different level. something like, never really feeling warm without first feeling extremely cold, i know you get the drift.

no matter how trite it sounds, you really learn to appreciate the people and blessings, even the little storms you go through when you witness other people's trying times. i do not suggest trivializing the small problems we encounter but i have always felt that we can never take ourselves away from what the people around us are going through. and when you see how fortunate you are for the little troubles that bother you (unlike the gargantuan problems others have to put up with), you suddenly feel so small-- shameless to be whining over petty things, unaware and ungrateful of the wonderful blessing you already have. everyone can spell gratitude.

now, i am starting to move on. i have started moving on. and i guess i'll keep moving, embracing every warm sunshine that awaits me everyday, until i absorb enough heat i can pass on to others, if not readily, i could even bottle up as reserve.