when the chatterbox strikes (a novel by the moonlighter, hehe)

the trip to the dentist was supposedly benign. my regular prophylaxis was 2 months overdue. even so, there could not have been much trouble, i thought. i am a perpetual toothbrush and mouthwash aficionado anyway, a borderline toothbrushing-freak you might say. (yes, i carry around a toothbrush just about anywhere i go, and use it every after meals, even in my sleep, haha kidding.)

after prophylaxis, the dentist found all my teeth healthy (all previous dental fillings were okay) save for three adjacent problem areas. one tooth had its dental filling coming off, while the other tooth chipped off, because of wear and tear (i do not grind stones with my teeth if you were wondering; i am just a hardcore carnivore), and partly because of the third problem -- an impacted third molar crowding the rest of the teeth on the left lower jaw. (i have postponed the extraction of this tooth for several reasons i will no longer bother you with.) she also said the problem tooth had a thin enamel layer.

she light cured the dental filling of one tooth. one problem solved. the second one, she needed to "cap" the tooth already. tearing down the old dental filling and doing it over would reduce the tooth to a "dental filling with tooth remnants" and not a tooth with dental filling. she would have to place a porcelain cap over the crown of the tooth which was more expensive. in this case, i believe the expense would be more practical. it would end up with a cap in the long run anyway.

i agreed to the procedure. that is just number two problem solved. minor surgery for the extraction of the third problem still had to be scheduled for october (less stress means better chances of winning, hehe, the dentist thought it would be best to have the extraction when i am 100% stress-free). i already had one of my wisdom teeth (also impacted, with clipped roots to boot) extracted last year (if only wisdom teeth made me wiser, i got four of them). i ended up looking like this the first time (good thing we found a new dentist).


in preparation for the "capping" , she had to perform the standard drilling to restore the chipped tooth. in anticipation (and perhaps because of fear) of pain and getting hurt, i agreed to local anesthesia. i was given two shots, one was to block the main nerve surrounding the tooth and another for reinforcement. in the middle of the procedure i remembered the cinemanila film we saw with great disappointment (hehe), "syndromes and a century", whose scenes in the dental clinic (over the years) are the only ones i can now recall.

the effect was not immediate, but when it took effect, it was weird. it wasn't totally devoid of sensation because it felt swollen, only, i could not feel the pain of the drilling. it wasn't as if it was my first time being under the influence (of anesthesia), but probably because of my renewed sense of being (haha) and my efforts to put things in its proper perspective after being disheveled for quite some time, i started to think about a lot of things.

now that was a "brief" intro, haha.

• when you get hurt or experience pain in anyway, a memory of the pain is immediately created. then you increase the fear of the pain because of your anticipation that something can actually hurt you.
• but then, there is anesthesia. you can choose to momentarily desensitize yourself, but when it fades, the pain remains, until the cause of the pain is put away altogether. in the end, you just have to deal with it.
  
• with the anesthesia localized on left side of my oral cavity, i made this little experiment: drinking a glass of cold water. as i felt the cold water through my mouth, down to my throat, the left side felt warm, it was like simultaneously drinking warm and cold water but the water seemed to have suddenly lost its kinetic energy to mix the warm and cold. sometimes, the absence of something, heightens our understanding and appreciation of the other things we actually have, in this case, we learn to appreciate warmth and coldness because we have experienced both.
• in order for some things to be restored and made new, they first have to be broken, much like the tooth drilled through to make way for the dental fillings.

so much for an afternoon with the dentist.

if you read this far, congratulations!

i felt i needed to write this. there are things which just need to be done, regardless of whether anyone listens, much less whether or not anyone cares.

this is one of those things.

and i couldn't deny how good it feels, even after the anesthesia wears off and i'd have to be under the influence of pain killers again.

grave of the fireflies

i cried my soggy eyes out both times i saw this animated film. i was crying even minutes after the television has cooled down from my marathon viewings. don't hate me for being such a crybaby. (my mother wonders why i put myself through this when i am supposed to be taking a break and recovering from a brush with frustration-induced-quasi-depression, a vain attempt at self-medication)

grave of the fireflies is a simple touching story of two children, setsuko and her brother seita and how they struggled to keep each other alive, after being orphaned amidst the difficulties of war; when people couldn't care less but to focus on their own survival.

the eyes of these poor kids deeply connected with my emotionally charged disposition (which seem to have heightened the past few weeks). each time seita held back his emotions (after learning of his mother's death) and silently dealt with his fears of raising a younger sister alone, when he himself is still a child, i felt his pain and fought my own fears. he did everything in his power to shield setsuko from such harrowing experience and the burning indifference of the people around them.

the things seita and setsuko went through would have been the ultimate test that strengthened their bond as brother and sister, and it was sad that they did not grow old to have the chance to look back at such bitter experience to make everything else sweeter, much like setsuko's favorite fruit drops.

their characters seemed very real, perhaps because i always wished for a brother. but i will always be thankful that i have my big sister, and i wished that all siblings would love each other like seita and setsuko did. and i wouldn't mind crying over those kind of touching stories.

it's just sad when "fireflies have to die so young".

Life is Shorts: is this funny or what? part 2

I thought Jay's ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven
only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay
received a uninamous text. "Meet me at the clinic". I had a stinking
feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero
sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik lang ako.
Sabi niya, Penny for your talks? But I didn't know what to say. Beggars
can't be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl yun. Jay
said, Can't got your tongue?? I tried to smile at him. Kahit di ako
nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole. After
a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff's
ears. Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn't even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba
di na dapat umalis si Jay. That's what I'm talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay. That's what
friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to do
this alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug down
rate.

When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up. Di
basta-basta makakapasok. So I said, I beg your cordon. I'm patient. It's
my favorite virtue nga e.? Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako
sa arm. The nerd! I shouted, Don't touch me not! Buti na lang the other
guards were nice and said, Come on, let's join us.

When I went inside, parang I've been there, done there. Nung walang
nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a
bird's IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a
room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis ba
ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay
and his ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my
expectations. But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is
not. I had to hear the truth from the corpse's mouth. I barraged in. O
my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig sa isang
nakakatakot na experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was bleeding.
At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang
bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko napatunayang
blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search
and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun.

Now, he's recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I
know it's a better pill to swallow your pride so it's forgive and forget
me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put on
makeup.
Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is
really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms
persist, insult your doctor.

mean almighty

Seeing Evan Almighty, the film, was rather providential.

Slowly coming off a really major slump, getting a few laughs from a movie treat with my mother and sister was just cherry on my strawberry ice cream. After all, life has always been sweet, only sometimes, we get the colds.

As i have never been good in telling stories, can we do away with the plot? Well, it is a simple (but heartwarming, yes, even with crazy Steve Carrel in it) story about Evan Almighty, the man tasked by God to build an ARK to save the animals and the people from the great flood. Morgan Freeman, reprises his role as the Almighty, God in the flesh who instructs Evan to build his ark. Evan is ridiculed for the crazy idea of building a boat in preparation for the great flood, when they haven't been getting rains because of drought. His family thinks it was just a bizarre case of midlife crisis and temporarily leaves him. God appears to Evan's wife (as a waiter), and makes her understand why she needs to go back to Evan and stay by his side.

This is where the most striking message of the film steps in, at least for me. God the waiter, tells Joan (Evan's wife) "God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Often times, when we pray, we expect things to happen and unfold the way we want them to happen. Although the Almighty that we know can surely make things happen, as in just happen, the answers to our prayers may often take on a different shape. Some of which we hardly even recognize. He chooses not to lay everything on a platter -- you pray for a house and he will give you means to earn enough to buy a decent home for your family; you ask for true friends, then you will have to lose the phony ones to make you value the real ones. you ask for clarity and he gives you time to get there...

The great flood doesn't come, but a poorly constructed dam breaks off, causing a quiet lake to run in torrents over the city. Evan and his ARK (which actually stands for Acts of Random Kindness done one at a time) saves the day, and sacks the profiteering politician, Congressman Long out of office. The ARK thing was a nifty wordplay by God, He says these ARK, done one at a time, can change the world. Incidentally, one of the songs played in this movie is John Mayer's Waiting on the World to Change.

I remember reading this from Paulo Coehlo, perhaps an apt closing for this meandering, he calls this, "The Prayer that he Forgot":

Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory. Amen.

Amen.

moonlighting

i got a tip that the moon was visible again after two weeks of stormy nights (and stormy days). against all odds (i do not have the luxury of a moon-sighting friendly window), i went outside our house, out on the sidewalk, with my sister in tow, and took a shot at shooting the moon. it took me awhile to get a good shot, one to earn me bragging rights and this is what i got...

the moon, waxing gibbous phase

you can view the other shots on this album.

the irony of it all, i am still calling it moonlighting night, for after months of stormy nights, clear skies are finally over my head again.

boiling point

"The boiling point of a substance is the maximum temperature at which a liquid can remain a liquid."

...a simple scientific concept

...you never wished to get in a practical dose...

but then, there is the inevitable...

and the bitter truth

...that it wasn't.

blank page

switchfoot live in manila

is this funny or what?

i got this from a forwarded e-mail...



We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?" Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i'm wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now, we're so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we hav e here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is this way. She's our of our lives."

Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.

how are you?

how are you?

you must have just woken up to another cold morning. work's cancelled again due to the storm, but it's not raining as hard as yesterday, and the winds are much quieter too. your thoughts seem to have left you in your sleep, but you get up and grab the book you slept on last night. in the middle of the page, stirring thoughts come to you but you shove them aside. you go back to reading. after some time, you get up and get yourself some leftover food for breakfast. oatmeal in cocoa. you eat just because you need to have breakfast. then you go back to what you're reading, you remember that it's a thursday and another week is almost over. the phone rings. it's your friend asking you the favor to help her and another friend in their research proposal. you oblige. you have nothing planned for the day anyway, except wanting to get hold of the tickets you reserved for a series of film screenings. then you close your book and you start working on one of the jigsaw puzzles in the living room. from the time you woke up, up to now, you seem to be very occupied.

but then i ask you, how are you really?

you must say you're pretty cool and steady. you just quit a job you believe was not for you and what now? for the past months you have yourself occupied with a lot of things, some of them by choice, others out of duty. your ready response would always be you're okay, resisting the thought, and the reality that you actually aren't. you may be okay but not totally. you try to get over the denial and you manage to face the truth. you say that's a step forward. you can deal with the truth.

but then, it could be that you only think you're not okay. you have always been the eternal worrier. and you know that everything is largely a matter of perspective.

"To worry is a sin. Only one sort of worry is permissible; to worry because one worries." -- (Hasidic Saying). lucky are those who have mastered the ability of keeping their worries away. they say that 90% of the things you worry about, do not actually happen. worrying only saps the energy away from what could have been a perfect day. instead, you can channel your energies to happier and more enjoyable things like reading a book, preparing a fancy dinner for people at home, doing things you have always put off for another day. (perhaps those jigsaw puzzles that have been sitting under the table for quite some time now). when worry creeps in, take a step back, breathe in and haul it to the trash bin.

let the thoughts settle, and perhaps when asked again, how are you? you'd be more sure about how you really are.

the mess er becomes the messee

"the mess er becomes the messee..."

the line came from Friend Chandler Bing when Chandler and Monica tries to counter Rachel's and Phoebe's tricks to catch them off-guard and admit they were actually in a serious relationship to the rest of the Friends.

mine is a different case. (what do you expect? hehe)

working as a phlebotomist (human blood-sucker laboratory sampling and analysis) for almost two years now, i have been used to sticking needles to willing and unwilling victims' veins to get their blood samples. in every blood extraction, it has been a personal goal to always make it on the first try.(which could sometimes be extra challenging especially when the patient's vein is either too deep, or his skin too sagged, or his flesh simply too massive) not to mention that phlebotomy work is just a fraction of your workload as the so-called university research associate (soon, not anymore), which you rather not discuss.in all the thousands of venipunctures i performed, it has always been my wish that the patient was satisfied with the way i carried out the procedure. in that case, the mess er wouldn't be so bad...

then the mess er becomes the messee...

last week, i underwent a laboratory procedure called EMG-NVC (Electromyography-Nerve Conduction Velocities). it was a simple diagnostic test that looks for signs of nerve damage and/or muscle (myo) disease (in my case to rule out carpal tunnel syndrome).

the test wasn't exactly painful.

recording electrodes were applied over digits and muscles of the hand or muscles of the foot (whichever was necessary). an electrical pulse was applied to a nerve at points along its’ pathway with a stimulator. there was observable muscle twitching as the nerves innervated muscles.("measurements of the time it took the nerve to conduct its’ signal as well as the size of the response are recorded and stored digitally on computer.")

the experience itself was a slightly tiring, imagine getting grounded several times (in different aspects of your limbs) and the anticipation of being grounded makes it a little scarier especially when after you've felt the first run of electricity (it is sometimes good when you don't know what to expect). after the nerve conduction velocities test, electromyography was performed by the neurologist, and this is the peak of the mess er becoming the messee...

**sound from psycho please...shingshingshing!...hehe...

this fine, wire-like “pin” electrode was inserted a centimeter deep into various muscles of my upper limbs. the tip of the pin electrode recorded this activity and displayed it on a computer screen as a sine wave. the electrical activity was demonstrated as an audible sputtering and popping sound that came from a speaker attached to the computer. this would determine how wide spread the nerve damage was and should rule out any muscle disease process that could also explain my symptoms (which was mainly the sensation of tingling pins and needles).

the muscles were far-easier to target than the vein. but credit goes to the good doctor, the pain was manageable, even negligible.

if it's anything. the results read essentially normal.

idiosyncrasies

Everyone knows that no two people are the same. Even identical twins have their peculiarities. Each person is a unique human being... (that sounded like a drift-off from a session with a shrink :P)

Then again you can always share these eccentricities with a person or two. When my sister and I saw the Simpsons movie last weekend, I found myself sharing an eccentricity with Bart. It is not like it was an honor having the same peculiar habit as Homer's first born, but i thought it was funny, remembering how I used to watch television like
Bart in the photos shown here.

Idiosyncrasies may sometimes get really crazy, but for some people, these are the things which are more fondly remembered, often with a laugh.

Just when you thought it's silly (and gross) when you wear your jeans out and never wash them until it gets all itchy, you discover that there's this person who never washed a lucky pair of boxers, so as not to wash all the luck away. Are you that person with the habit of cleaning up the house when things get so depressing at work,as though by doing so you could scrub away all the nuisances from work? There will be things which make persons whothey are; idiosyncrasies are part of how we define ourselves and how we define others.

How about you? What weird habits do you have?

tea ceremony

"The ceremony is a way of worshipping the beautiful and the simple. All one's efforts are connected on trying to achieve perfection through the imperfect gestures of daily life. Its beauty consists in the respect with which it is performed. If a mere cup of tea can bring us closer to God, we should watch out for all the other dozens of opportunities that each ordinary day offers us." -- Okakura Kakuzo, tea master, as told by Paulo Coehlo in Like the Flowing River.

One of the fascinating things about the Japanese culture is their Tea Ceremony. Remembering matcha from sophomore history class, the tea ceremony, although not exclusive to the Japanese, has always been a beautiful reminder of finding meaning in the ordinary things we do.

There was even this time when, out of sheer fascination of the practice, I came up with my own "ceremony"-- observing the same deliberately slow movement (minus the grace, i guess, i always lacked the gracefulness, haha) every time i prepared a cup of coffee. It was probably silly (now you can laugh at me...), but somehow, the message of the tea ceremony really stuck in my head when
I did that.

Whether we admit it or not, we always struggle to keep ourselves in one place. (I know I do not own the monopoly of the anxious-type A-personality). There is always something we need to do, or maybe we just think we need to do. More than trying to find meaning in our prosaic lives, keeping still or at least slowing down, must be something every person (especially those who are always frantic and those who seemed to spell their names with s-t-r-e-s-s, in uppercase) would be very fortunate to experience, no matter how seldom that chance comes by.

It is not to say that we should lethargically go about our daily grind, of course that is taking our sensibilities to the height of daftness (hehe i would've said depth of daftness, wouldn't you like the pun), but going back to what the tea master explained, the beauty of the ceremony lies in the respect with which it is performed.

Respect. What a rare gem in this huge minefield we call reality! How many of us can proudly declare if not to the world, at least to oneself, that he does things with respect, and by that, belief is sown deep in the simple activities he performs.

It could be refreshing, especially to one's spirit.

So probably, the next time we prepare our fave drink, whether it's just putting ice on soda, or opening the tab of an ice-cold beverage in can, we keep in mind, that these ordinary things we do can always find meaning if we only take time to appreciate its simplicity, and perhaps only then we can truly appreciate the bigger things, and be capable of even greater ones.