the night i died, i prayed to the heavens to keep me safe. that whatever happens, i remain grateful for the life given me. i asked the Higher Being to take away all the sad memories and let the happy ones remain. i prayed for my life to end. that the moment i shut my eyes, it would be the last...
the night i died, i felt alone. i felt un-needed, unappreciated, unloved. it was a feeling of emptiness. i felt lost. i felt bad because i know i shouldn't. there is something greater that should be the fountain of "'wanting" to stay alive.
it was the night i learned to let go of everything that held me down, the night to set myself free from whatever pain and hurt which have been frequent visitors in my head. yes, i think it is all in my head. my damn head.
it was a night of realizations. i thought about all the things my short life has taught me. i learned how to appreciate and be thankful for the life given me. and yet there is the nagging feeling of inexplicable emptiness.
i tried to rid myself of all these. i summoned all happy thoughts, but i seemed to have ran out of them. i mustered every drop of courage to be strong and hopeful, to simply embrace life and turn away from the thoughts of imminent death.
i thought about how important it is to let the people you care about know how much you do care for them, before it is too late. let them feel it while they can still be happy about it, don't just say it. (but then there will always be those who couldn't) more importantly, in doing so, i learned the value of never making the mistake of wanting to have anything in return for any tiny speck of love you share with others--because a person who truly loves should be satisfied by the very act of loving. once you think about wanting to be loved in return, or hope for any form of appreciation, acknowledgment or gratitude, you will only hurt yourself. but i guess that is one of the measures of loving, loving even if it hurts.i think it takes alot of strength for anyone to do that without hurting too much.
but then, as i slowly found my way through the web of emotions that have consumed me for the past years, i realized that i could always turn things around. i can always choose to be happy. i can learn to be happy and live with the pain. yes, i can choose to be happy...
just when i thought i had myself convinced to turn things around, it was too late...
i tried to bring myself together and wake up but it was too late...
