if you are a harry potter fan, you know what it is. it's this stone-basin where one can place his/her siphoned-out memories and view them from a third-person perspective. i just remembered the pensieve (i have a copy of all 5 harry potter movies and I just finished watching chamber of secrets again) and writing my thoughts (and perhaps photography) is the closest i have to the real thing.
i'd like to pick up a line from ate's blog where she spoke of "knowing your center". she says there has to be something that should keep you grounded--in our case, that would be mostly family and friends.
i think i need an internal GPS to keep close to that center. (well, a real GPS too because i really suck at directions, even in a place as small and as mass-commuter friendly as where i am now). i don't know if i simply have the longest phase of quarter-life crisis (having struggled with these things for the past 3 years now, i think). setting all emotions aside, i guess, i am still good, considering that i can still write, i am still here and I am simply getting by. i have the most loving (extended) family and the most precious friends around. but then at the end of every day, i can't seem to get a hold of where I am really headed for.
it's true what they say, that when you pray for patience, God doesn't make you patient by a simple swish and swoosh of magic. he makes you patient if that's what you ask for. he gives it to you, you just have to receive it and embrace the opportunity to be patient. you just have to understand that some things take time. i'd say that whatever it is i am going through has truly been a test of faith. when i was younger, i got everything that i prayed for, and it drew me closer to God (malakas daw ako kay God sabi nila). and as i grew older there have been several episodes when He chose not to give it to me, or just postponed it for some time. keeping the faith during these times when i felt like i was not being listened to has been most difficult but every time i manage to come out of these episodes, the feeling has always been of triumph, albeit a small triumph. and if it even means anything, i still believe that God has great plans for each one of us, and that includes me. He knows everything we want even before we ask for it. he knows just what we need and (only) if we truly know what we want, it wouldn't be difficult for him to give it to us.
i continue to ask him for patience and discernment. i will keep trusting that everything will be okay. for now, i can be satisfied with any little speck of light that'll keep me going for another week or two, until the time comes when the tiny bursts of light may be sustained long enough to hold fire and just keep it burning.
(shirt from threadless)
