is this good or what?

I’ve been wrestling with my thoughts about what happened yesterday at work.

I was in a meeting with my supervisor to receive feedback regarding the report I submitted (from where several other papers are bound to be developed). We discussed for more than an hour and he wanted me to have 3 satellite papers based on the initial report I submitted. He tried to be generous with positive feedback about how well written the report was and had his own comments that I needed to address to improve the paper. Everything was okay. I was able to take in everything and I asked for a reasonable deadline of 3 months for the 2 papers. He wanted it sooner.

In my head, I started to feel like telling him that I am no research paper factory. That I am here, bearing the sadness of being away from home, to work under reasonable deadlines and produce results. I know I am someone who can deliver; I’ve known that from the short work experience I’ve had of five years. I would like to believe that my former supervisors could tell that I am capable of doing good work. Although I got myself into this knowing that there is not much of a career path in the academe for me, I have always believed in experience as the best teacher. Every pebble I pick up in this journey shall find its use in the future. I know it can lead me to better opportunities eventually.

The straw that broke the came’s back was this. After the bombardment of having me accomplish two review papers which he intends to publish in two different journals [he sugarcoats this with promises of using these publications to boost my chances of getting an outright entry into one of their PhD programs—something I’d rather see happening before I can believe], he takes an A4 envelope and asks me to do him a favor.

He takes out one survey form from the envelope and tells me to help him input the answers to a data management program.

No problem, I thought, I can do that, I didn’t mind doing extra work for as long as I feel that I am not taken advantage of. (except for the monotony and the eyestrain from doing repetitive clerical duties). I’ve had my share of issues dealing with the “abuse” from too much work and the other “players” of a particular work environment. There was I time, I took everything in, and I ended up a huge basket case. I did not want that to happen again.

Then he takes 18 more envelopes from his back. I counted them today, 300 survey forms!!!! And he calls it a favor. I am forever searching for motivation, and he gives me this load of call-it-how-you-want. What I do not like is how he penny-pinches, not getting extra manpower to do other things that he needs done, and simply dumping work to his able staff (we are 3 research assistant under him). I was hired for a particular project and here I am encoding for another. Then he doesn’t stop there. He asks me what analysis I can do on the data afterwards. Your supervisor believing in your capabilities and hoping you would develop more skills is one thing, using you for his own benefit is an entirely different thing. What he did yesterday was totally screaming of the latter.

I have always wanted a supervisor who could be mentor material. It has always eluded me for one reason or another (a couple of times, I did not stay long in the job, but I’ve had good ones). It is simply frustrating, being under the reigns of people who do not understand what they want, and asks for things he does not even understand.

To cut the story short, I agreed to do the coding and encoding, and try my best to give him at least a descriptive analysis (he wanted to do factor analysis, and I am not familiar with it although I can study and learn the theory and techniques). I told him I could not carry all the stuff because of my bad back. I asked him if he could have somebody deliver it to the RA’s room to the building across his office. As he is short of man power, for more reasons than his stingy ways would allow, bigger ones which I will no longer mention as it would only devalue my point—he carried all the stuff himself.

When we got to our office, he was telling me again to do the factor analysis, then, to the surprise of my friend who was sitting on the adjacent cubicle, she heard me say, in an obviously upset tone, “I can only do descriptive analysis!” , I was not even aware that my tone was different. I felt that I just had enough of him for the past two hours and it showed. He calls my friend to his office and asks her under confidentiality what made me upset. He told her he was worried.

Then I got more upset about being upset, because I was never like this. I can put up with things, but my previous experience of being overworked told me, I had to set limits. I had to assert without actually saying that there is a monetary price for everything I do, that I do not want anyone to take advantage of me. I just don’t want anybody to do that to me, because I know I am fair in my dealings with people. But I know that in reality, we cannot expect others to be fair just because we are fair. That is one dreadful bite of reality.

I hope I am still okay. I hope that I did not become less of who I am because of what I did (the whole thing about showing my dismay and disappointment without me being aware it actually showed), I was able to express something I am not used to letting out—was it annoyance, exasperation and frustration? My greatest fear about what happened is having done something offensive, kung naging rude ba ako o bastos for having done these things. My friend tells me, it only shows that I am human and that it is okay to have unpleasant reactions. Normal lang daw ako nun mga panahon na iyon.

I only wish I can take out the bad feeling sooner. I just had to let it out through writing.


I think now, I can work again.