how ya doin?

i haven't had another FRIENDS marathon with ate, nope i haven't. yet i hear joey tribbiani's "how ya doin'?" quip like i watched it just now. all of joey's naughty spin aside, i'm thinking, how are you doing? and i ask myself, how am i doing?

i was reading through my older blogposts last night, those i wrote from 2005, and i couldn't help but feel how much i miss my old self. not so long ago, i was inspired, full of passion. i may be verbose and have not mastered the economy of words back then (even until now), but i can feel how i felt during those times i wrote those entries just by reading them again. and i knew i felt happy each time i published an entry online, regardless whether or not many people liked what i wrote or whether they were generous with their own thoughts about what i wrote or were simply unaffected by the little soul rambling on her blog. soul. yes, soul.

writing is one major indicator of how i am doing. i write when i am happy, grateful, hopeful, excited, scared, frustrated, annoyed, angered and disappointed. i think one has to go through things and experience life and from there the "material" for writing, even as it appears as senseless ramblings takes it shape. when i stop writing, and i seem to be quiet, i know that something isn't going right. that's how i've been for the past few weeks. i seem to lack interest in the usual things i loved doing, i stopped writing.

but then, you see, i am trying to write again, in fact, i am writing ain't I? did i tell you i also write, when i decide to move on? i also write when i need to remind myself that there is more to life than the things i worry about. I have always acknowledged being an anxiety freak. this entry is an embodiment of my own struggle to put myself together and keep my feet on the ground, ready for the uncertainty that lies ahead.

i write again for the same reasons i have written in the past--to declare an unending gratefulness for the simple fact that i am still standiing, that i remain whole despite the emotional crises i've battled against for the past five years of my life. i do not know for how long i can hold it, the only thing i know is that on top of a makeshift buttress that comprise faith, prayer and renewed optimism, i can only manage with the help and support of a few trusted friends and my dearest family.



cheer me on. i can do this even if i'll break all the limbs i have.