how ya doin?

i haven't had another FRIENDS marathon with ate, nope i haven't. yet i hear joey tribbiani's "how ya doin'?" quip like i watched it just now. all of joey's naughty spin aside, i'm thinking, how are you doing? and i ask myself, how am i doing?

i was reading through my older blogposts last night, those i wrote from 2005, and i couldn't help but feel how much i miss my old self. not so long ago, i was inspired, full of passion. i may be verbose and have not mastered the economy of words back then (even until now), but i can feel how i felt during those times i wrote those entries just by reading them again. and i knew i felt happy each time i published an entry online, regardless whether or not many people liked what i wrote or whether they were generous with their own thoughts about what i wrote or were simply unaffected by the little soul rambling on her blog. soul. yes, soul.

writing is one major indicator of how i am doing. i write when i am happy, grateful, hopeful, excited, scared, frustrated, annoyed, angered and disappointed. i think one has to go through things and experience life and from there the "material" for writing, even as it appears as senseless ramblings takes it shape. when i stop writing, and i seem to be quiet, i know that something isn't going right. that's how i've been for the past few weeks. i seem to lack interest in the usual things i loved doing, i stopped writing.

but then, you see, i am trying to write again, in fact, i am writing ain't I? did i tell you i also write, when i decide to move on? i also write when i need to remind myself that there is more to life than the things i worry about. I have always acknowledged being an anxiety freak. this entry is an embodiment of my own struggle to put myself together and keep my feet on the ground, ready for the uncertainty that lies ahead.

i write again for the same reasons i have written in the past--to declare an unending gratefulness for the simple fact that i am still standiing, that i remain whole despite the emotional crises i've battled against for the past five years of my life. i do not know for how long i can hold it, the only thing i know is that on top of a makeshift buttress that comprise faith, prayer and renewed optimism, i can only manage with the help and support of a few trusted friends and my dearest family.



cheer me on. i can do this even if i'll break all the limbs i have.

pensieve

if you are a harry potter fan, you know what it is. it's this stone-basin where one can place his/her siphoned-out memories and view them from a third-person perspective. i just remembered the pensieve (i have a copy of all 5 harry potter movies and I just finished watching chamber of secrets again) and writing my thoughts (and perhaps photography) is the closest i have to the real thing.

i'd like to pick up a line from ate's blog where she spoke of "knowing your center". she says there has to be something that should keep you grounded--in our case, that would be mostly family and friends.

i think i need an internal GPS to keep close to that center. (well, a real GPS too because i really suck at directions, even in a place as small and as mass-commuter friendly as where i am now). i don't know if i simply have the longest phase of quarter-life crisis (having struggled with these things for the past 3 years now, i think). setting all emotions aside, i guess, i am still good, considering that i can still write, i am still here and I am simply getting by. i have the most loving (extended) family and the most precious friends around. but then at the end of every day, i can't seem to get a hold of where I am really headed for.

it's true what they say, that when you pray for patience, God doesn't make you patient by a simple swish and swoosh of magic. he makes you patient if that's what you ask for. he gives it to you, you just have to receive it and embrace the opportunity to be patient. you just have to understand that some things take time. i'd say that whatever it is i am going through has truly been a test of faith. when i was younger, i got everything that i prayed for, and it drew me closer to God (malakas daw ako kay God sabi nila). and as i grew older there have been several episodes when He chose not to give it to me, or just postponed it for some time. keeping the faith during these times when i felt like i was not being listened to has been most difficult but every time i manage to come out of these episodes, the feeling has always been of triumph, albeit a small triumph. and if it even means anything, i still believe that God has great plans for each one of us, and that includes me. He knows everything we want even before we ask for it. he knows just what we need and (only) if we truly know what we want, it wouldn't be difficult for him to give it to us.

i continue to ask him for patience and discernment. i will keep trusting that everything will be okay. for now, i can be satisfied with any little speck of light that'll keep me going for another week or two, until the time comes when the tiny bursts of light may be sustained long enough to hold fire and just keep it burning.

(shirt from threadless)

i had a dream

i had a dream. i was about to hum a song by Abba as i typed away, until i realized, their song was "I have a dream" not "had" :-p i have been dreaming a lot the past few weeks (or may be i just remember a lot of them the past few weeks). i just read from wikipedia that an average person spends an accumulated six years of his/her life dreaming! dreams, they say, happen when we are in the REM phase of sleep, meaning that part which is still pretty close to wakefulness (mababaw na tulog). as i am no sleep or dreams expert, that is just the way i understand it. maybe lately, i have had a lot of mababaw na tulog.

last night, after a few sips of virgin mary, which i totally disliked (sidestory: i went to the SG-UP alumni association thing with my cousin who is here and two of my dearest friends, and as i don't really drink, i tried to be adventurous and picked out something i haven't tried [and that is most on what's on the list of drinks, hehe] and picked one under "mocktails". for those who do not know what virgin mary is made of (like me, until i had my first sip, hehe) i can only say, it tasted like burger puree, burger juice it is!

the only taste i liked was the tabasco and Worcestershire sauce in it. as it is a non-alcoholic drink, it is essentially tomato juice with all the other spices in a bloody mary drink [BM has a spike of vodka, of course you know that] still i had to google what they mix in with the tomato juice, maybe you'd think of a tomato-based ulam when you read it: hehe, here it goes: tomato juice, and usually other spices or flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, beef consomme or bouillon, horseradish, celery, olive, salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, lemon juice, and celery salt.)

sabi nga nila, sana ay nagdala ako ng kanin at baka natuwa pa ako hehe. anyway, ok na yun, i actually wished i bought nachos to go with that crazy mix of a drink

now that is too much of a sidestory eh? hehehe

the main story is really short:

i saw a small shiny neon green frog in my dream last night, so i had to look up what it meant. i was hoping it actually signifies something good, but then, we can always choose what we believe in, hehe, and i prefer to stick with mr brightside

so here's a couple of interpretations which i got from the web:

"Frog

Old dream interpretation books say that frogs are a good omens and represent happiness and great friendships. From a more modern point of view, frogs may be considered symbols of the unconscious because they live in the water. Frogs also represent transformation of the positive kind." source

"Frog

To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential for change or something unexpected. The frog may be a prince in disguise and thus, signify transformation. Alternatively, the frog symbolizes uncleanness, fertility, or rebirth.

To see frogs leaping in your dream, indicate your lack of commitment. You have a tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal. It parallels your progress." source

***

in closing, here me sing Abba :-p i hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

I have a dream - Abba

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

isn't he adorable?

caught these videos on yahoo and youtube. 2 year old tot Keith Jr with Efren Bata's form hehe... i just find it amazing for a little kid to have such control (and he knows which balls to target in sequence ako, 1 and 2 lang yata hehe) :-) ... he's called the pool shark in diapers/littlesniper... pero iba pa rin si Efren and Django ah :-p

the show

i enjoyed the music the first time i heard it because of its catchy tune and nice lyrics. i looked for the video and it reminded me of sesame street for some strange reason :)

i hope you'd enjoy this as much as i did. (ate where did i GOT this? LOL!)

The Show (Lenka)
***
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle Life is a maze, and love is a riddle I don't know where to go Can't do it alone I've tried, but I don't know why Slow it down, make it stop Or else my heart is going to pop 'Cause its to much, yeah its a lot To be something I'm not I'm a fool, out of love 'Cause I just can't get enough I'm just a little bit caught in the middle Life is a maze, and love is a riddle I don't know where to go Can't do it alone I've tried, but I don't know why I'm just a little girl lost in the moment I'm so scared but I don't show it I can't figure it out It's bringing me down I know, I've got to let it go just enjoy the show And The sun is hot in the sky Just like a giant spot light The people follow the signs And synchronize in time It's a joke, nobody knows they've got a ticket to the show. Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle Life is a maze, and love is a riddle I don't know where to go Can't do it alone I've tried, but I don't know why I'm just a little girl lost in the moment I'm so scared but I don't show it I can't figure it out It's bringing me down I know, I've got to let it go And just enjoy the show Just enjoy the show I'm just a little bit caught in the middle Life is a maze, and love is a riddle I don't know where to go Can't do it alone I've tried, but I don't know why I'm just a little girl lost in the moment I'm so scared but I don't show it I can't figure it out It's bringing me down I know, I've got to let it go And just enjoy the show Just enjoy the show dum de dum, da dum de dum and just enjoy the show da dum de dum, da dum de dum and just enjoy the show I want my money back (3x) Just enjoy the showI want my money back(x3) Just enjoy the show
***

The Show

did you learn something new today?

i am tuned-in on e-radio portal and it's back to "old" music on a wednesday... one song goes "'cause you bring out the best in meeee, like no one else can doooo, that's why I'm by your side, and that's why I love youuuuuuuu..." (can you name the group who made this popular?), i take off the earphones when sharon cuneta's pa-cute McDo radio ad plays. *grins*

that is just to set the mood for this entry. when you hear old tunes, you are brought back to those days--those days when life was a whole lotta simpler. then you are reminded how fleeting the past years have been. i used to not like wednesdays on radio because they play "oldies", now, i look forward to it, because i now know the oldies. :-) i am among the oldies, hehe.

it is always good reliving memories, even those which are not so good (in a way, it gives you a sense of finality, some form of closure, that indeed, a certain memory is part of the past). but dwelling too much on the past is not really cool. we have to keep moving forward.

as we keep moving forward, we try to take in as much as we can, everything that we need to sustain us in our long journey. and to make our journey interesting, it would be nice to try to learn something new each day. maybe it doesn't need to be something big, or something limited to gaining knowledge or information. it could be learning to be happy with small blessings; learning to let go of petty arguments; learning to accept life's harsh realities; learning a new song; learning to smile with your eyes; learning to forgive and forget (too cliche, but it's something we all need to re-learn); learning to have fun; learning to be grateful...

maybe some of these do not exactly qualify as something "new", but then the novelty comes with the person who experiences it and chooses to learn it probably for the first time in a long while.

i may have had a tough couple of weeks. but today, i choose to learn to accept that there are things which I have no control over, and focus on those which i can still do something about. i learned that i waste a lot of energy in useless worries and anxieties, a lot of times. today, i hope to start learning to experience life as it is given to me, always making the most of what is here and trusting that everything will be okay in the end.

on a lighter note, i learned something new a couple of weeks back:

through my cousin jec, i discovered mangatar. and that is me manga-rized (is there even such a word?!). a few minutes after i made that, i realized the only thing that made tha mangatar a manga version of me is the pair of red specs. hehe.

here's a quick list of new things learned today, i learned that:

1. i can try not to cry when i am angry
2. everyone has a secret to keep (everyone, meaning it includes you and me)
   
3. rafael nadal is wearing pink at the 2009 French Open (well i learned that yesterday)
   
4. i am not the only person who hates being lied to (that's not really new is it?)
5. it is always easier with acceptance (then you can move forward)
   

a variation to our entry's title would be something our parents asked us everytime we got home from preschool: anak, what did you learn today? tell us, let's keep the ball rollin'.

because we can all use a good laugh on a monday

a friend forwarded a link to chuvaness.com, and i got this. seriously, i tried to decipher the last sentence of her letter, she sounded like she really needed help from Dr. Ruth

taking chances

i cannot call myself a free spirit nor a risk-taker. for all of the 25 summers of my insignificance, i have pretty much taken the path more certain. i cannot say it didn't do me any good, having made decisions which are far less life-changing than other people my age would have taken. you can call me a bore, but i know i find comfort in the thought of not disturbing the status quo or at least making sure that things are okay before immersing myself into something big. but then, we can never be sure of everything, perhaps anything for that matter. we can never be certain. there is nothing certain in this world but death and taxes, to borrow the words of mr franklin.

so what is this rambling all about?

let us just say that for the first time in my adult life, i am faced with a huge uncertainty, and as much as i would like to keep the optimism flowing, i really do not know where the road would take me, and it makes me scared. i know, this is all part of growing up, which is why a big part of me never really wanted to grow-up. then again, i have to deal with it.

i am a few minutes away from the path of taking chances. against all uncertainties, i remain hopeful, it will lead me to a better place. wish me luck...

running out of gas

hmmm... i am not a certified couch potato, i can tell you that i'd manage without a television (basta may internet :-) hehe)... but since my roommate has a nice lcd tv, why pass up the chance to watch the programs on the local channels (well, at least the shows we follow, and yes, we do not have cable tv, hehe, sa masalimuot na kadahilanan).

here is our weekly tv guide:

Mondays - ch 5 - the amazing race (last ep, last week)
Tuesdays - movie night - although they have their local drama, Fighting Spiders (also on ch5) which we sometimes watch (it's not easy really, although they have it in English, our ears are not really used to the local accent, i know somebody who watched a full episode and ended up with a bad headache, hehe)


Wednesdays - ch 5, american idol (we are on the final week!) performance night
Thursdays - ch 5 american idol results show
Fridays- ch 5 survivor tocantins (down to the last 5 survivors)




it is quite obvious that we are running out of programs to watch. i don't know if it's a good thing to have followed through the complete seasons of amazing race, american idol and survivor in the same year. [sa atin, bihira ako makakumpleto kasi madalas, late na ako para makapanood ng mga palabas. hehe. pambihira, ang milestone ko ay ang mga napanood kong palabas sa tv! hehe. anubaito?]

anyway, it looks like our boobtube junkie-ness will soon be running out of gas. maybe i can finally sitdown and read a borrowed copy of umberto eco's the name of the rose soon :-) unless i get hooked with singapore idol in june hehehe...

can you imagine? i am drinking wastewater!

despite my obvious love-hate relationship with work, i remain thankful when i find reasons to be happy about my job. as i await revisions to the report i just submitted, i am set for another "educational" tour, yes a field trip! this time, to the NEWater plant.

i have renewed interest at work (at least for this field trip na ako lang mag-isa as usual hehe) because for a time, when i was an RA in upm, I worked with water quality testing and i also enjoyed plant visits, although then, the setting was different (environmental and occupational health sa UP tapos public education naman ng science dito sa NIE). somehow, i feel that something is right no matter how i serendipitously ended up in science education research when my education and training is actually in health science [and no matter how kunsumido we get at times because of our boss (see related entry hehe)], something finally feels right. it's like picking up some pebbles on a long journey for no reason and being pleasantly surprised to find that further on, you had to use those pebbles and you picked them up without knowing you will need them in the future.

anyway, going back to the freakish title: look mama! im drinking wastewater! :) for the most part, it's true, because part of the water supply of this tiny nation comes from the NEWater plant (which i will visit on thursday).

although the NEWater plant is not exactly a tourist attraction, field visits outside school is always a welcome break from the long hours i spend just sitting and clicking away on the computer. i did minor research online just so i know what to expect. and i had some interesting findings.

singapore, being a very small nation geographically, has admittedly limited resources. people know that their beaches are man made, kang kong is grown not on watery ponds with soil (to match our local kangkungan) but through hydroponics (growing plants in water without soil). their highest peak wouldn't be so much of a challenge for those who love trekking and hiking either. sa totoo lang, madaming maipagmamalaki ang Pilipino when it comes to our natural resources (lalo na human resources hehe).

one of the limited resources (not only for small nations like sg) is water. and NEWater is one of their solutions in responding to the limited supply. singapore has overcome water shortages despite its limited natural resources. there are four national taps which supply water for the whole of singapore. they have the local catchment for rainwater, imported water from Malaysia, desalinated water from seawater, and the NEWater--which is essentially recycled waste water (reclaimed water).

again, with my limited understanding, if we have the la mesa, ipo and angat dams raw water system as the major water source for metro manila, singapore has these 4 national taps. we have the natural aquifers and an expanse of land to collect rainfall, singapore does not have that luxury. that's why, apart from the local catchment, they need to import water, desalinate seawater, and recycle wastewater!

perhaps i can no longer interest you with the nitty-gritty of the process but i can say the water is clean (although we still boil our drinking water from the tap), wala pa namang ulat ng water-related disease outbreak. but can you imagine, drinking water that comes from wastewater? it's not really that gross when you find out the purification process it undergoes (microfiltration, reverse osmosis, UV disinfection, etc.). they mix the treated NEWater with the other sources. the water for drinking undergoes further conventional treatment that satisfies drinking water standards and the rest may be used directly for industrial purposes. using NEWater in industries also saves potable water from being used in industrial activities.

so there, i feel like i'm having a Batibot entry hehe. pagbigyan ninyo na lang ah, ganito talaga kapag naghahanap ng rason to stay happy with one's work. kasi mayamaya lang as i write this, Apu will again ruin my day.