the child of fear

Have you ever been afraid? (Scared. Frightened. Terrified.)



"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." -- Jedi Master Yoda. Star Wars Episode I

Even before Master Yoda admonished that fear brings a person suffering, people, being nothing more than ordinary human beings already knew about fear. Acknowledging fear gives it form and substance. It is one of those things whose existence, we ourselves nurture.

Whether a person admits it or not, and no matter how faithful one tries to be of Master Yoda's words of wisdom, fear seems to find its way and settle itself deep in each one of us. There may be a few fearless souls in various aspects of life; but having fears or owning up to these fears seems to be a universal thing which somehow defines and affirms that in fact, we are just human, we are mere mortals.

Our fears vary from the obscure to the well-founded, from the trivial to the more consequential. Fear may take the form of small worries and occasional jitters which could grow into useless anxieties and serious agitation. Whatever degree, fear causes disquiet and discomposure which can ultimately destroy one's good sense and alter an otherwise positive perspective.

While some fears are triggered by specific people, things, thoughts, memories, and experiences, there are those which seem to come from nowhere. When the cause of our fears and worries are unknown, we become more anxious. Sometimes, we know what causes our fears but we refuse to acknowledge that it is indeed causing our fear.

There are those who are afraid of spiders, roaches and pests. Some are scared of the dark, enclosed spaces, and high altitude areas. There are people who dare and overcome any physical challenge but are terrified by thoughts of losing a loved one, growing old, growing up, being alone or getting hurt; while others dread the idea of mediocrity, failure, and rejection.

There is the scientific, biochemical origins of our fears but no matter what causes these fears, it is comforting to know that we are not devoid of any defenses as far as dealing with these fears is concerned. When the inevitable strikes and we are face to face with our fears, we only have two choices, one is to look at fear straight in its eye and learn to master our fears. This leads us to the paths of courage. The other choice is to allow ourselves to be consumed by the fears we ourselves have allowed to thrive in our being. Taking this path only leads us to darkness. Master Yoda must really know what he was talking about.

Even as we continue to convince ourselves that we are the master of our own fears, some things are always easier said than done. What can mere mortals do? Perhaps we could all use a little help from each other. If self-assurance is in scarce supply, it would certainly help our lot if we learn to reach out and build each other's confidence and restore our faith in the goodness of people, and as cliche as it sounds, try to share a little more love.

Acceptance is also good in facing certain fears--the everything-happens-for-a-reason-mentality--accepting that some things are meant to be while others are not. Accepting that there are inescapable realities and truths which we cannot simply disregard. The more we fear about losing the people we love, the more time we waste in seizing every moment there is to express how much we value and love them. The more we worry about what other people would say and think about our actions and decisions, the less we learn to appreciate our own strengths and improve on our weaknesses.

Finally, if it helps our cause, majority of the things we fear, do not actually happen, so statistically, we have a good chance of finding ourselves on the brighter side sooner, and if not always, perhaps more often.

when the chatterbox strikes (a novel by the moonlighter, hehe)

the trip to the dentist was supposedly benign. my regular prophylaxis was 2 months overdue. even so, there could not have been much trouble, i thought. i am a perpetual toothbrush and mouthwash aficionado anyway, a borderline toothbrushing-freak you might say. (yes, i carry around a toothbrush just about anywhere i go, and use it every after meals, even in my sleep, haha kidding.)

after prophylaxis, the dentist found all my teeth healthy (all previous dental fillings were okay) save for three adjacent problem areas. one tooth had its dental filling coming off, while the other tooth chipped off, because of wear and tear (i do not grind stones with my teeth if you were wondering; i am just a hardcore carnivore), and partly because of the third problem -- an impacted third molar crowding the rest of the teeth on the left lower jaw. (i have postponed the extraction of this tooth for several reasons i will no longer bother you with.) she also said the problem tooth had a thin enamel layer.

she light cured the dental filling of one tooth. one problem solved. the second one, she needed to "cap" the tooth already. tearing down the old dental filling and doing it over would reduce the tooth to a "dental filling with tooth remnants" and not a tooth with dental filling. she would have to place a porcelain cap over the crown of the tooth which was more expensive. in this case, i believe the expense would be more practical. it would end up with a cap in the long run anyway.

i agreed to the procedure. that is just number two problem solved. minor surgery for the extraction of the third problem still had to be scheduled for october (less stress means better chances of winning, hehe, the dentist thought it would be best to have the extraction when i am 100% stress-free). i already had one of my wisdom teeth (also impacted, with clipped roots to boot) extracted last year (if only wisdom teeth made me wiser, i got four of them). i ended up looking like this the first time (good thing we found a new dentist).


in preparation for the "capping" , she had to perform the standard drilling to restore the chipped tooth. in anticipation (and perhaps because of fear) of pain and getting hurt, i agreed to local anesthesia. i was given two shots, one was to block the main nerve surrounding the tooth and another for reinforcement. in the middle of the procedure i remembered the cinemanila film we saw with great disappointment (hehe), "syndromes and a century", whose scenes in the dental clinic (over the years) are the only ones i can now recall.

the effect was not immediate, but when it took effect, it was weird. it wasn't totally devoid of sensation because it felt swollen, only, i could not feel the pain of the drilling. it wasn't as if it was my first time being under the influence (of anesthesia), but probably because of my renewed sense of being (haha) and my efforts to put things in its proper perspective after being disheveled for quite some time, i started to think about a lot of things.

now that was a "brief" intro, haha.

• when you get hurt or experience pain in anyway, a memory of the pain is immediately created. then you increase the fear of the pain because of your anticipation that something can actually hurt you.
• but then, there is anesthesia. you can choose to momentarily desensitize yourself, but when it fades, the pain remains, until the cause of the pain is put away altogether. in the end, you just have to deal with it.
  
• with the anesthesia localized on left side of my oral cavity, i made this little experiment: drinking a glass of cold water. as i felt the cold water through my mouth, down to my throat, the left side felt warm, it was like simultaneously drinking warm and cold water but the water seemed to have suddenly lost its kinetic energy to mix the warm and cold. sometimes, the absence of something, heightens our understanding and appreciation of the other things we actually have, in this case, we learn to appreciate warmth and coldness because we have experienced both.
• in order for some things to be restored and made new, they first have to be broken, much like the tooth drilled through to make way for the dental fillings.

so much for an afternoon with the dentist.

if you read this far, congratulations!

i felt i needed to write this. there are things which just need to be done, regardless of whether anyone listens, much less whether or not anyone cares.

this is one of those things.

and i couldn't deny how good it feels, even after the anesthesia wears off and i'd have to be under the influence of pain killers again.