clinically dead for 16 hours (camerawalls)

I was clinically dead for sixteen hours
Show me all the things my heart desires
Let this be the longest happy dream of my life
Clinically dead for sixteen hours
Crossing all the roads where lines began
Break my hourglass and let the sands move in time
No tunnel, no light
No dead love ones
Maybe I need to teach someone
That we won't realize what we have 'til we lose them...

What happens when you settle for something else…

When you give it time, any craving shall wear off, as most of our cravings are just cravings; we are actually not hungry—we just want to satisfy our palates with a taste of the food we are craving for. Yesterday, I had a lusty craving for instant pancit canton. As in all other cravings, I tried breaching it; I told myself I was having dinner at home in a couple of hours anyway.

Between the craving and me, I like to think I was the one who cracked my craving and not the other way around. While I did not eat pancit canton at the very instance I wanted to eat it, I got 3 cups of one of those just-add-hot-water cup noodles at a nearby convenience store to bring home. (And some junk snacks I devoured while waiting for ate finish work—oh yes from one craving to another, chippy and coke zero cracked me).

This is not a story about my half-success/near-failure at “curbing craving” (try saying that 5 times, fast hehe). Read the title of this entry again. Last night, I had a strong craving for instant pancit canton. I wanted lucky me or Nissin’s yakisoba, but settled for Tekki Yakiudon, as it was the only other brand on the shelf I was familiar with somehow, (I also thought it would be great to try something else).

I half-succeeded curbing that pancit canton craving, if there is even such a thing as half-succeeding, or it’s just something I invented to justify my weakness hehe (I postponed eating it for breakfast today). All excited about eating the noodles for breakfast, I prepared myself to be satisfied, only to be disappointed. Tekki was far from what I expected—I ended up full but was left unsatisfied. It was a bad case of unmet expectations. (Why am I being so dramatic over instant noodles?!)

Lessons learned from the pancit canton chronicles:

- when you settle for something else, you can either be surprised for good reasons from the something else you settled for or be left wanting even more

- when you settle for something else, open your mind (and your palate) that what you chose will never be the same as what you really wanted

- when you settle for something else, try to see (amidst all the brewing disappointment) anything good that came out from your choosing something else (nabusog ka naman kahit lasang spaghetti yun pancit)

How about you, what happens when you settle for something else?

the word eater: a tribute to the one i love

i came across this multiply theme called the word eater. (this one i am now using) interestingly, it shows an ant-eater sucking up the letters from a notebook. it reminded me of two things.

one is an eating-your-own-words episode that reminds me to say things which i only mean (it helps you to swallow the words you say more easily when you get to a juncture). the other one-- which i always suffer from--is chronic thought-constipation (which i now presume to be caused by the word-eater, feeding on my fluid-thoughts, rendering me constipated).

writing has always been something i love. period.

while i have limited writing skills, it is one of the few things, i know i can do better than any average joe.more than giving me the opportunity to make a living out of it, writing has been the only thing, aside from my breathing pillars of strength (you know who you are), who has always made me feel and realize that i am who i am (hehe, that sounded like a dance music from the 80's), right where i am supposed to be.

when i am unable to write, i feel like a little part of me goes dry--and itchy, an itch that needs to be scratched, to borrow from his Airness, michael jordan. so i have to think about anything to write about. looking back, i have already written about the most cliche topics, mostly melodramatic if not 100% over-sentimental. i wrote about scabs, candy wrappers, shirttails, LRT rides, music, movies, books etc. and all of those times, i put down my pen or close a word document, with half-a-smile (the other half could be any other prevailing emotion).

through all the years i have loved writing--from the first time someone was generous with his flattery to a shy-11-year-old-trying-to-find-something-she-can-do-good-at that was me, until now that i am struggling to learn, relearn and unlearn many other things, i can say that i have made a special relationship with writing. and it is only now that i am writing about the one i love, perhaps to show how much i appreciate everything writing has brought my otherwise insignificant existence (there goes the drama queen again).

• sincerity and honesty - nothing beats writing about what IS real and true. being sincere with the things you write, hoping that in being true to yourself, you become true to the people who read what you write is already something to be happy about. of course, leaving room for imaginative writing is another story.
  
• brevity - i maybe the eternal persona of gobbledygook, but i have learned to appreciate the beauty and impact of brevity. though it is not apparent in this entry (hehe), there are thoughts which are better said and more strongly felt with fewer words, sometimes even with silence. *wink
• sharing - writing has strengthened the old teaching that you can only share what you have.
• release - sometimes, when i am consumed by a strong negative emotion (o yes, i admit that negative things sometimes consume me), i pause and write about what i feel to help me handle the emotional vortex i am in. the release, helps me to think more clearly and avoid saying things i might only end up being sorry about. (and actually eat my words)
• touching lives - i don't know about others, but some writers claim that they write only for themselves. in my case, while i write to keep the itch away, i also write hoping that the things i share would lighten up other people's trouble, put a smile across their face...
• memory - writing is a way of keeping memories and sharing them--rekindling the good ones and being brave to re-encounter the bad ones.
  

i just proved that i am gobbledygook-in-the-flesh! this entry is looong, i might be boring the few readers i have hehe. (do i even have readers?)

when you're with someone you love, everything sweetly comes by. (eew, i must really love writing for me to just say that or think that...hehe)

warmth of a morning sunshine

i never realized how the simplest thing like a morning sunshine could make a huge difference.

just when i thought the entire week would be stormy, i woke up tuesday morning with the warm sun touching my face. while i am not used to waking up that late, it felt good. it was as though the warmth of the sun did more than just rousing me from my usual depthless slumber.

it certainly did more.

tuesday morning, literally a day-after-the storm, was not just any ordinary tuesday morning--for the first time in many weeks, i felt i got up on the right side of the bed. while i may have had my own personal storm even before typhoon Frank came leaving livelihoods and homes destroyed and families losing their loved ones, i have learned to appreciate the warmth of the sun on an otherwise uneventful morning at a different level. something like, never really feeling warm without first feeling extremely cold, i know you get the drift.

no matter how trite it sounds, you really learn to appreciate the people and blessings, even the little storms you go through when you witness other people's trying times. i do not suggest trivializing the small problems we encounter but i have always felt that we can never take ourselves away from what the people around us are going through. and when you see how fortunate you are for the little troubles that bother you (unlike the gargantuan problems others have to put up with), you suddenly feel so small-- shameless to be whining over petty things, unaware and ungrateful of the wonderful blessing you already have. everyone can spell gratitude.

now, i am starting to move on. i have started moving on. and i guess i'll keep moving, embracing every warm sunshine that awaits me everyday, until i absorb enough heat i can pass on to others, if not readily, i could even bottle up as reserve.

dear stan

dear stan,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'll join the monastery. I think I realized it when we skinny dipped at the mental hospital and carved your initials into my father.

I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that Extreme Home Makeover sucks.

I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory.

You should also know that I always will remember our friendship.


your everlasting enemy,

-mean-

[ Do it like this ]

Dear (the person who last texted/messaged you),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and ___4___ ___5___.

I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___.

I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory.

You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___.


___12___,

-Your name-

1. What's the color of your shirt?

Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
Annat - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insulted
Black - Ignored
Blue - Knocked out
Purple - Poured syrup on
White - Carved your initials into
Grey - Pulled the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrated
Pink - Pulled the toupee off
Barefoot - Sat at
Other - Drive out

5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes -Frostbitten
Lost - High
House -Scarred
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain
Other - Greetings to your freaky family

lifted from isthy's site =)

ang alamat ng litratong ewan hehe

last saturday, after many years without household help, we tried getting one. unfortunately, in less than a week, the kunsumisyon my mama got dealing with the one who came, far outweighed the only benefit we wanted for having a helper around, that is, having someone do the laundry and ironing.

mama had to send her back because she wouldn't admit to dropping the flat iron and breaking it into pieces. we had that flat iron for many years, i have grown attached to it, hehe, but seriously, more than the broken pieces, what my mother disliked about what happened was the fact that the helper, whom we shall call Pipay, did not own up to her mistake, even crying about not having anything to do with the broken plantsa. what was even more irritating for my mother was having someone around the house who cannot be trusted with little things like that. (mama heard something drop from the upstairs room and Pipay insisted nothing fell. after checking, chipped parts of the iron were under the bed. that was her biggest mistake, never lie to mama, ayaw nya ng sinungaling).

i think we're going to stick with getting help with the laundry and ironing from a girl friday who wont have to stay home with us. the only funny thing i will remember about Pipay was when she saw my graduation picture, she told me: ate, ang ganda naman nun, parang artista? i told her: sino sa akala mo. then she answered: PARANG ikaw. i almost fell off my seat laughing at what she said.

that grad pic really gets a lot of people and it makes me wonder, hindi ko ba talaga kamukha yun nasa picture. i can only laugh. well, it's a good start to my little goal: try not to take yourself too seriously Mean.

mean

after a complicated tooth extraction

the legend of the grad pic...
(the one Pipay asked about was not this one,
it was my informal photo
where i wore a makeshift tube dress out of curtain drapes...
you can now stop laughing)

on rehab

i have been coffee-free (i can not claim caffeine-free as i have been sneaking caffeine shots from other "sources") for ten days. from limiting my daily consumption two one cup, i have upgraded to no-coffee, until i finally get my wish (actually two wishes). now, what my coffee-drinking has to do with those two wishes? i won't bother to explain.

i am just amazed how i manage to stay up this late when i've been killing myself at work for the past few weeks, working an average of 12 hours each day, all these without my coffee. maybe i'm mutating to my dream alter ego--the mutant who never gets to sleep.

i wish i am granted my wish(es). i am willing to extend my coffee-abstinence for another month, when it happens. ;) after that, i'd probably be binge drinking my way back to coffee-nirvana.

too cliche

the thing about writing is the fact that everything has already been said. if that's the case, why bother talk about anything else? when writing has become more than mere utterance of words and an expression of known ideas, you will probably understand why.

when you write, you take a chance at giving form and substance to people, events, and experiences, which could very well do without anyone writing about them. talking about anything--people, ideas, hopes and aspirations, fears, etc is a celebration of life in itself.

there is so much about life to write about, if only to celebrate the blessing of being alive. no amount of uncertainty should keep anyone from enjoying the here and now.

over the many summers that have passed, you come to realize, how much differently you see things from ten summers ago. while your perceptions change, your values should remain. the thoughts pour in and you think everything has indeed become too cliche. things that have become overly familiar or commonplace, tend to be taken for granted, if not completely forgotten.


the same is true in people. when you try to remember important people in your life, from your family to your friends, perhaps even the few significant acquaintances you've made, there will always be those whom you know, will always be there when you need them (sometimes even before you ask). but you can never be too sure; people, unlike ideas, can grow tired even against their will. which is why in all your relationships there is no such thing as too cliche.

quit before it kills you

i did not quit another job, that came as a warning to a smoker.

but then, it can also apply to many things other than smoking. it could be a bad habit, a misplaced obsession, an ill feeling, or whatever worries causing us undue stress.

quit before it kills you.

"reality bites"

"the people we love have the greatest power to hurt us..." (quoted)